I don’t like the holidays for the very specific reason that my extended family members seem to think that I am comfortable answering their questions that may SEEM simple small talk questions, but really annoy me to no end.
Who I am dating, my future career goals and such, really are not something I would like to talk about. Dude, lets talk about dogs, memes, what manga you are reading, etc. Lets talk about a serial killer you just learned about, but please do not ask me about big life questions that I currently don’t, and may not know the answer to, for quite a while.
Unless I bring some date with me to dinner, (which I can’t simply because dating two people at once is blasphemy to my mother, therefor they are dead to her.)
Here is the thing, at my age, I honestly don’t know what I want for a career just yet. I like my job right now, I may not plan on keeping it for the rest of my life, but shouldn’t that be fine on its own for now?
Who knows. Either way, the questions come up each year, so I’ve come up with answers that maybe you can use when your Aunt or annoying cousin asks why you are the dateless wonder this Christmas night. Most of these will shut them up.
Question: “How is school going? Picked a major yet?”
- “Good. Just good. Next question?”
- “I’m deciding between majoring in Classics or Psychology. I know the odds of being a Classics prof or a shrink are slim to none, but so is getting a job with any arts degree.”
- “I finally learned the difference between your and you’re.”
Question: “So what do you think you want to do with the rest of your life?”
- “I’m really thinking of getting into pole dancing, I never was good at the Pythagorean theorem anyways.”
- “I am starting an exclusive religious group and I think will be life-changing. God has recently started talking to me about it is my calling to build a heaven-on-earth cult…erm…community.”
- “I don’t fucking know man, probably smoke a lot of dope and dance with the many dogs I plan on fostering.”
- “I’m 100% set on having as many kids as I can so my baby daddies and I can be the new 19 Kids and Counting on TLC. Did you hear they got cancelled because Josh molested five girls, excluding his own sisters?”
Question: “Anybody special you have been seeing lately?”
- “I’m volunteering at a retirement home, and I really think I’ve found the one there, I see him every second day, and I help change his diapers. We’re so much closer then ever before.”
- “I’m still dating One Direction even though they are on hiatus and don’t know I exist. Nothing has changed over the past year, they are my gods. Want to say a prayer with me for Zayn to join 1D again? I brought a poster of him we can worship him together.”
- “My prof is pretty special, the amount of spit he shares with students who sit in the front row is incredible.”
That is all for now, for I must go and get ready myself for my fancy family Christmas Eve dinner.
I hope your family holiday gatherings will be as painless as possible 🙂